Loving yourself

Today, I loved myself.  How?  Well, first of all, I threw away something.  Something that I liked, but was broken, that I would never fix, and never use.  It was the top of a blue glass pedestal candle holder.  Years ago, it had gotten dropped, and the base snapped off.  The top was still good, so I had it on my kitchen window sill, where it collected dust and cobwebs. So I threw it away.  And almost cried.  I wasn’t sure if I wanted to cry because I was sad or happy that I threw it away.  But I made one more small step towards climbing out of the mountain of clutter that I live in.  So – I loved myself.

Today, I loved myself.  How?  I have finally, finally started counseling.  Two sessions, so far.  My counselor, who is totally awesome, gave me homework.  I have two weeks to clean off my table.  She wants to see before and after pictures.  I laughed (to myself) at the thought of needing two weeks to simply clean off my table – until I actually got started.  You see, if it was just a matter of cleaning off the table, I could grab a box and dump everything into the box.  Voila.  Done.  But, no.  I have to get everything on the table at least into the room or area that it is actually supposed to be in.  So the pile of cds is now on top of the table – mainly because I can’t get to my cd holder where they are supposed to be – too much stuff in front of it.  As I run across dirty dishes, they go in the sink or dishwasher.  Books, magazines, etc are going near the full bookcases.  One piece at a time, my table is getting cleared off.  And yes, it probably will take two weeks to go through it all properly.  But it is getting done, a few items at a time.

Today, I loved myself.  How?  I actually cooked for myself in my kitchen.  So what is the big deal about that?  Well, I haven’t cooked a complete meal at my house in probably over a year.  And I could count on one hand the number of times in the last 3 years or so.  I have had an issue with running water.  My pump quit working.  A poor quality one would cost over $300; a better quality one over $600.  And everytime I would get a couple hundred dollars saved up, my car would break down, and transportation had a higher priority than running water.  So I have been showering at my dad’s house, cooking my meat over there in quantity and bringing it home to freeze and reheat in my microwave, saving rain water to flush my toilet, and even, when the pipes weren’t in the well, lowering a bucket down to bring up water to heat on the stove for various washing needs.  After over 3 years with very little running water, you can imagine what my house is like.  Especially since I struggle with hoarding disorder.  The last 3 years, the majority of my food prepared at home has been microwaved, tv dinners, disposable plates and utensils. So the very fact that I was able to cook in my kitchen meant several things:  I have running water.  My dishes are beginning to get caught up enough that my sink was empty enough to wash the vegetables and prepare things.  My stove is accessible and safe to use.  My microwave does not have anything blocking the door from opening.  My kitchen is still obviously a hoarder’s kitchen.  But it is slowly getting better.

Today, I loved myself.  How?  That meal that I cooked?  Broiled salmon.  Fresh steamed vegetables.  Twice cooked eggplant.  Sliced cucumbers with spices.  Herb tea (only because I didn’t have any wine) I ate on fine china.  With a matching cup.  And I sat down to eat at my partially cleared table.  Without a book, without a computer, without a smart phone or tv.  I simply ate, slowly, with deliberation, and enjoyed a wonderful meal.  That is amazing.  You see, I hate to cook just for myself.  It seems too much trouble to put together a fine meal for just me.  But tonight?  I did it.  I told myself that I was worth the time to fix a nice meal.  A good meal.  One with left overs (yum!) that I can enjoy tomorrow.  And while I was eating, I enjoyed the sound of my dishwasher running.  Music to my ears.  And I savored every bite.

Today, I loved myself.  How?  I told myself that I am a worthy person.  And I treated myself with respect and love.  It felt wonderful.